“In Soviet Russia, Grues eat YOU! Oh wait...”

~ Baffled Russian Reverser on Grues

“It'll take more than a few deadly dealy Grues to... OH LORD ARGHHHHHH!!!!!!”

~ Old planet Express captain on Grues

“The worst possible creatures you could imagine”

~ Captain jack harkness on Grues

“They don't scare me don't be fooled by the rocks i got i'm just vicky poll.. ARRRRRRRRR”

~ Vicky pollard getting eaten by a Grue

“Tag! You're it!”

~ Grues on Tom Clancy

“What did you just say about Delta Force?”

~ Chuck Norris on a retarded Grue

“I'm going to fucking bury that guy. I have done it before, and I will do it again. I'm going to fucking kill... OH MY GOD!!! AHHHHH!!! MY LEG NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO AGAERLBARGLEHAESL...........”

~ Steve Ballmer on getting eaten by a Grue

“I had Grue once...”

~ Oscar Wilde on Grue

“If you're close enough to photograph a Grue, all you'll see is a stupid question like "[RESTART, RESTORE OR QUIT?]"”

— Murphy's Law

“Grues! Grues! Grues!”

~ Mötley Crüe on Grues

“It is pitch black. You are likely to be eaten by a Grue.”

~ Ancient proverb

“Pass me some grue! My wallhead bloke in two!”

~ Asians on grue

“I pity the Grue who messes with Mr. T!”

~ Mr. T on Grues, shortly before his untimely demise at the hands of a Grue

“In Soviet Russia, grue is likely to be eaten by YOU!”

~ Russian Reversal on Grues

“Grue, I don't accept your challenge because it won't be a challenge”

~ srn347 on Grue

“I created the PERFECT MARINE! These are the perfect marines!”

~ R. Lee Ermey after he trained Chuck Norris

“Roses are red, violets are blue / I'm sorry to say, you'll be eaten by a Grue”

~ Valentine's Day card message


A Grue (Gruesomicius ravenousi) is a box-shaped gap-toothed mammal known for eating humans, though more recently they have been known to kill certain lone wolves, construction workers, a gerbil or two, speranah, the occasional monkey, people who send annoying chain e-mails, your pets, and...well, Grues like eating a lot of things. Grues are not often seen roaming the wilderness in herds, whistling old-time Irish pub songs, working on crossword puzzles, and calculating the amount of back taxes owed by car salesmen. The reason Grues are not often seen doing anything is because Grues live in total darkness, so the whole "seeing" thing would be kind of hard to do. The likelihood of being eaten by a Grue is probably non-zero.

This is not important, but it is widely believed that all emeralds are grue, but in fact, all emeralds are bleen.

This is, however. HOLY-CRAP-ON-A-STICK! RUN!!!!!
This is, however. HOLY-CRAP-ON-A-STICK! RUN!!!!!

There are an estimated 470 Grues left in the United States today due to the Grue conservation program - luckily all Grues are kept under heavy rocks, or locked away in abandoned biker bars. Of course, being creatures of darkness that tend to eat anything they can get within range of, these numbers are likely inaccurate, outdated, or simply made up by the same people who tell us that pretty much everything causes cancer.

The game of Zork consists entirely of being repeatedly eaten by a Grue.

Contents

[hide]

[edit] Grue-Slaying

[edit] Grues cannot be killed with these things

It's a shame, nobody told the Stickfigures that Grues can't be killed with swords. Oh well. Get these anorexics some lightsabers.
It's a shame, nobody told the Stickfigures that Grues can't be killed with swords. Oh well. Get these anorexics some lightsabers.
Another futile attempt at killing a Grue.
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Grue (monster).

or

  • Mr. Belvedere after he sat on his own nuts and fainted
  • Adolf Hitler
  • Peter Griffin
  • Stewie Griffin
  • Bertram
  • sperm
  • KY jelly
  • Giorgio Armani
  • Emporio Armani
  • Armani altogether
  • Superman
  • Spider-Man
  • plutonium
  • time travel
  • Stephen Hawking
  • time
  • Time magazine
  • gamma waves
  • llama waves
  • heatwaves
  • radio waves
  • sound waves
  • water waves
  • tidal Waves
  • Mexican waves
  • asian fangirl waves
  • microwaves (No, not the radioactive ones, the ovens you cook shit ready meals from Tesco with!) - Ever wanted to cook a chicken in the microwave? But does the box say, "No! Don't cook that chicken in the microwave!"? With the new MicroGrill, you can grill food products that you couldn't in the microwave IN THE MICROWAVE!!
  • sex
  • chocolate
  • hot chocolate
  • cold chocolate
  • lukewarm chocolate
  • Sexual Chocolate
  • f=ma
  • Pythagoras
  • Luciano Pavarotti
  • Gordon Brown
  • the freakin' FCC
  • the Pope
  • the Durex play ring (the vibrating ring for him to give pleasure for both of you)
  • any type of contraceptive
  • monkey tennis
  • Alan Partridge
  • Tobi from Family Guy
  • Renetto
  • Donny Most
  • the Fonz
  • orgasmic screaming
  • BT
  • BTVision
  • Sky
  • Virgin Media
  • scene kids (which are in fact a common grue meal)
  • Richard Branson, no matter how similar he looks to Chuck Norris
  • baby wipes of ANY kind
  • liquid nitrogen
  • motherfuckers who change this list and make me have to fill it up with the same awesome stuff I put in beforehand (you bastard!)
  • nappies
  • Huggies
  • prams
  • Tesco
  • Maris Piper potatoes
  • the Mafia
  • the Montana gang
  • Russell Brand
  • opera singers
  • opera singers on shit albums that are released at Christmas or come with newspapers
  • cheese - no matter how hard you try
  • Catherine Jenkins
  • The Three Tenors (who have recently become 20 quid)
    Can Cheetor stop a grue? You'd better hope to God he can.
    Can Cheetor stop a grue? You'd better hope to God he can.
  • Pete Wentz's penis (go on, search it on Google, you know you want to... seriously I'll wait....... OH MY GOD! Did you see it?)
  • Heath McKenzie
  • 24 Oleander Street Yorkeys Knob
  • Larry David
  • David Brent
  • Jeremy Clarkson
  • Tom Cruise
  • Scientology
  • Beowulf
  • chlamydia
  • goth kids
  • emos, in all their pwnfullness
  • punks
  • gothemos
  • punkemos
  • gothpunks
  • any combination of goths, punks or emos.
  • your girlfriend! (Don't deny it, you were gonna hide behind her weren't you, you spineless freak of a man!)
  • Christmas Trees that are made of nothing but giant golden balls
  • Optimus Prime
  • AAAAAAAAAA!
  • Santa Claus
  • Justin Lee Collins
  • Alan Carr
  • Colin Mochrie
  • Frankie Boyle
  • Andy Parsons
  • God
  • pregnancy tests
  • Dr Cox
  • Dr Seuss
  • peanuts
  • Dr Kelso
  • The Todd
  • Elliot
  • Turk
  • the Janitor
  • The Stig from Top Gear
  • my hair (the sexiness of it just can't kill a Grue, I'm afraid)
  • your hair
  • sex toys
  • people who have crabs
  • crabs who have peoples
  • gonorrhea, or its ugly cousin, diarrhea
  • tics
  • tacs
  • tic tacs
  • tic tac toes
  • pins
  • needles
  • pins and needles
  • needles and pins
  • anesthetic
  • George Adwgwgwgwgwdwengo
  • Pac-Man
  • Mrs Pacman
  • the Ghosts
  • that gay guy from Coronation Street... ANTONY COTTON! - not that anyone cares
  • Puff Daddy - Big Daddy Pop - P Daddy - P Diddy - Diddy P... Mr Daddy?
  • Hayley Williams
  • 7/11
  • 9/11
  • Sean Connery
  • James Bond
  • Goldfinger
  • pie
  • french fries
  • French flies
  • fries that aren't French
  • Steven Spielberg
  • Tim Burton
  • George Lucas
  • Dumbo
  • 1337
  • Bin Laden
  • pieces of paper. Even those of the Death Note variety.
  • Neopets
  • Eric Cartman
  • nuclear weapons
  • nudge bombs
  • caffeine overdoses
  • Mitesh Savjani
  • Jack Skellington IV
  • Xenomorphs. They'll just team up with the Grue, and then you're royally screwed.
  • or itself. Attempting to use any of the above in Grue-slaying will result in you being eaten by a grue.
  • The following, as none of them produces nearly enough light: fairy lights, twinkle lights, fibre-optic Christmas trees that are linked to the internet, lasers that are deactivated by Jack Black's dick.
  • your step mum
  • that guy from power rangers ((you now the one i mean) the ugly red ranger)
  • In recent tests performed by experts who asked not to be named but were killed anyway, Grues CAN in fact be killed by ninjas. This however is extremely unlikely to happen outside of testing as ninjas and Grues have made certain agreements about sharing the darkness (ninja-pirates are not included in this). However, this was made without the knowledge of the anti-ninja coalition and the anti-anti-ninja coalition and has since then been proved untrue on account of the ninjas being orange.

[edit] Grues can be killed with these things

Grues have been known to kill (and huff) kittens.
Grues have been known to kill (and huff) kittens.
  • Elmo God of all Grues, Samuel L. Jackson, Master Chief, Marcus Fenix, Kratos, Uncyclopedia, Godzilla, Marilyn Manson. Spartans, Samus Aran, Paladins, and Jack Bauer. Oh, and don't forget Ness. Ness? He's the kid in Super Smash Bros. PK FLASH!!!
  • light, except when the plot demands that they don't
  • CFL light bulbs (they are more powerful than those shitty light bulbs in your room)
  • they can also be killed by Hadoukens, but that requires nine levels of Black Magery
  • the Anti-comma, although it will not only destroy the Grue but asplode the hell out of anything within 5 miles, thus not being very useful
  • the Grue can be killed with most things on the LOWTDEBS, although they don't actually exist and should thus be disregarded
  • the Grue can also be killed with abominably bad grammar. If you is Grue; stops read before now, you eye start frys..
  • Grues can be killed by the Anti-Grue and its brilliant schemes and use of sarcasm, but unless you can summon the Anti-Grue, you're still screwed
  • Grues can also be killed by Eurgs, but that destroys the entire universe in the process, so nobody's ever tried it. Plus, carrying an Eurg around with you invariably results in the Eurg eating you
  • Extreme sarcasm (yeah, right(!)) (Note: this risks killing everyone else in the vicinity)
  • Chuck Norris can kill Grues. No questions asked
  • Ninja Chef eats Grues for dinner, although whether or not he kills them first is unknown. Also, eating Grues for dinner is not a known way of killing them (cf Oprah)
  • People with profound names like Muhammed Suicmez or Trajan Smeeth, because the Grue doesn't know whether to eat them or the Windows Spellcheck
  • Saguaros, However the Grue has to not notice the Saguaro, which is why they evolved their cactus form
  • The Pony can kill Grues and protect its followers from Grues. All is good when you accept The Pony into your life
  • Bruce lee can kill Grues - in fact he doesn't need to, he just breathes on them
  • The legendary Jake can kill one Grue but will be mortally wounded, he has to use the ultimate move
  • Shoop Da Whoop can kill Grues. Be careful in the charge-up, 'cause Grues are
  • Fuck
  • Cunt
  • Shit
  • Wanker
  • Ass
  • Faggot
  • Cock
  • Motherfuck
  • Dick
  • Homo
  • Titty
  • Goddamn
  • Cocksucking Motherfucker fast, and small enough to be inhaled while charging (you think a normal Grue is bad enough? Try killing one that's absorbing your lazer)
  • George Formby has successfully killed Grues many times with his ukulele playing and toxic Woodbine smoke, But unless you can find George you're screwed
  • Furries are capable of killing Grues (but only the Wolf and Fox anthros) but they may choose to watch you get vored
  • Bruce Willis
  • Vodunius Nuccius
  • Maikie_G
  • The Borg, but unless the Grue is bothering or threatening them, they can't be arsed to do it

[edit] Do not:

Grue colonies will get increasingly irritated after a Monolith invades their territory.
Grue colonies will get increasingly irritated after a Monolith invades their territory.

Place a monolith in Grue-infested territory. The Monolith will go AAAAAAAAAA! and it will go AAAAAAAAA! some more, and eventually the Grue colony will be SO pissed off that they will rampage. You think a Grue is bad NOW, just wait 'til it goes on a killing spree. You will be SO fucked.


Seriously, watch yourself. They can live anywhere.
Seriously, watch yourself. They can live anywhere.
  • A method once tried for slaying a Grue is to attack it with your own Grue, but you should look at this table for the reasons why this is incredibly stupid:
Better-than-best-case scenario Both Grues spontaneously transform into winning lottery tickets and you become a multi-billionaire.
Best-case scenario Both of the Grues kill each other, which is damn near impossible.
Next-best-case scenario Your Grue kills the other one and eats you. You're dead, buuuut at least you kinda killed a Grue.
Worse-case scenario The other Grue kills your Grue and eats you. You're dead, and your Grue got its butt kicked.
Worst-case scenario Both Grues realize they've been tricked, then they team up and eat you. You're dead, and you were betrayed by your own Grue.
Worse-than-worst-case scenario The Grues decide that you make a better sex toy than a meal. Imagine that for the rest of your life!
This is how most Grues look in the half-second before they eat you.
This is how most Grues look in the half-second before they eat you.

[edit] Natural Habitat

The natural habitat of Grues.
The natural habitat of Grues.



Grues can be found in all the dark places of the world, your mom's cookie jar, for example. They also have been found in your basement and under the bed of bad little children who don't brush their teeth or eat their vegetables. One characteristic of Grue dwellings is that all of them contain an equal quantity of priceless treasure. Nobody knows for certain why this is so. The prevailing theory is that the presence of the treasure provides the Grues with a near-constant supply of adventurers to devour. An alternative theory reverses this relationship: since adventurers often carry treasures with them, and Grues cannot digest treasure, any treasure found in a Grue dwelling is merely detritus from its many meals.


[edit] Grue Subspecies And Species

Apart from the Common Grue (Gruesomicius ravenousi ravenousi), there are many, less common types.

a comparison.
a comparison.

[edit] Adipose

They were originally created by the fat of the grues Who disagreed about eating people. They dispise the grues and are fighting a war against them. However since they are all Daft children they stand no chance and are no threat.

Amount of Adipose Consumed by Grues since you started reading this article.:


[edit] Russian Grue (Gruesomicius ravenousi soviet)

“In Soviet Russia, Grue is likely to be eaten by YOU!!”

~ Russian Reversal on Grues

The rare Russian Grue can be killed by almost anything, and is common prey for oxen, weeds, cow tongues, sand castles, and lawyers. When a Russian Grue reproduces with a regular Grue, it will create a kitten. The reason for this is unknown to modern science. But who really wants to study the reproductive aspects of Grues? Not me!

[edit] Russian GRU (Gruesomicius kojimus solid)

The GRU in its natural habitat, stalking its prey of choice.
The GRU in its natural habitat, stalking its prey of choice.

Not a true Grue, these were recruited from Russia circa 1964 to allegedly "protect the Shagohod", but mostly to piss off Naked Snake, who can kill one by looking at it the wrong way.

[edit] Spanish Grues (Gruesomicius ravenousi el stupido)

In Spain there are many crane trucks, filled with Grues, called Gruas. This part of is a plot by the Spanish Grues to invade the world with Gruas. Because Grues are very unoriginal, they made up the name Gruas, just one letter different from Grues.

[edit] French Grues (Gruesomicius ravenousi le pansy surrenderi)

The French Grue is commonly known as Le Greu. It is most fond of pastries, and will go after them before going after a hobo sapien. Le Greu is most commonly seen chewing on a giant baguette, while wearing a white painter's cap, black and curly moustache, striped blue shirt, and holding a large white flag. Usually, Le Greu is very pale, white, and skinny. It easily succumbs to modern sarcasm. In order to survive a Le Greu attack, one has to summon a Grue, an eurg, or a vague threat of invasion. However, one will be eaten by one or the other after they are done with their opponent. The French Grue military has never won any wars against other Grue tribes.

[edit] Chuckland Pulverizing Grue (Gruesomicius ravenousi beatdown)

The Chuckland Pulverizing Grue (commonly known as simply the "Chuck's Grue") is a Grue that only lives in the Bleen mines of Chuckland. Chuck's Grues have twice the strength as a normal Grue. These Grues were the result of the Anti-Grue stealing Chuck Norris's semen and implanting it in a Eurg. However, this combination caused the Eurg to asplode and from it was born the Chuckland Grue. The Chuckland Grue, due to its heritage, is immune to bleen things and extreme sarcasm. It grows to 8 gajillion feet tall if it eats a Texas Whopper and can eat anything. Chuckland Pulverizing Grues enjoy eating French Grues with hot sauce, eating emos wrapped in bacon, and eating the works of Oscar Wilde. The Chuckland Pulverizing Grue's only weakness is pirates, who use their godlike powers to barbecue Chuckland Grues with a mustardy marinade. Their war cry is "I WILL EET U 4 MAI BREKFEST."

[edit] Nazi Grues (Gruesomicius ravenousi nationalsocialistus)

This is the Nazi Grue's army with their leader Grue Hitler and his characteristic moustache.
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